Here in Harrisburg, our landline telephone service is provided by Verizon. Technically, they’re not a monopoly — you have several alternative service providers to choose from if you live in the city — but given their practice of having higher wholesale than retail rates, this means that alternative providers are forced to charge more for basic service than Verizon charges for fully-loaded service. The difference is staggering, especially for someone like myself who uses a landline only for a security system or satellite (my wireless is my home phone): Verizon’s base charge for no-frills metered service is $8.10 a month; the cheapest CLEC is Metro Teleconnect at $49.99 per month. Verizon has spent years arguing that this practice somehow serves the customer and drives competition, but I could fill an entire web host destroying that argument.

Right now, I’m talking about how ridiculous Verizon is.

For the longest time, I didn’t have a landline phone. When I lived downtown, nobody ever tried to break into my home. When I moved out to the country, I decided that two break-in attempts in less than 10 months demanded a security system. Security systems demand a connection to the monitoring station. I was able to run on a cellular-only connection for a long time. Once I got DirecTV (which simply won’t work without a phone line, unlike Dish Network), I found it necessary to once again do battle with Verizon.

Day 1: Called to order. Basic, metered service, $8.10 / month. Would I like to add DirecTV to my order? No, I already have it. Would I like to add DSL to my order? No. Am I aware that DSL offers The Internet at blisteringly-fast speeds starting at only $14.99 / month? No, I’ve spent the last ten years in a cave and wasn’t aware that DSL existed. Do I want an on-site maintenance agreement for only $3.99 a month? No, I’ll pass on the 50% rate increase, thanks. There’s a $44.92 activation fee; would I like to pay that all at once, or spread it into three easy payments with a $1 processing charge per month? Up-front.
Day 2: After spending no less than 32 hours on the phone with Verizon’s ordering department playing 20 Questions, I’m told that there is a problem with my identity and I need to be transferred to their “Customer Welcome Center”. A rapid (”rapid” to Verizon means Day 6: I’ve finally calmed down enough to start the ordering process again. See day 1 & 2 above. Same thing, only this time they didn’t lose my order in the transfer. Thank God. I’m told it will take up to 14 days to connect my service, which I find amusing because there’s already a physical connection to the network in place. I am, in fact, placing my order through my landline phone. Why 14 days? “Because our technicians have to visit the site and connect your line.” “It’s already connected.” “Oh … Are you … Uh … I thought you were calling to start new service?” Grrr …
Day 10: After a brief 4-day wait for someone at Verizon to push a button, my service is on.
Day 11: I get a call on my wireless from the Verizon Welcome Center ™, again. They need to verify my address before my service will activate. I inform them that they already verified my address — twice — and that my service is on. The rep apologizes for the confusion and ends the call. Clocking in at just under 5 minutes, this is the single least unpleasant interaction I have ever had with Verizon.

So today I get my first bill. $50.62. “Not bad,” I think. “They’ve pro-rated my monthly fee, added my installation fee like I asked, and taxes weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be.” Wrong. I open the bill, and this is my breakdown, which I am not making up:

$8.10 — Unlimited calling to local area (I wanted metered, not unlimited)
$2.25 — Non-published number service
$6.48 — Dial Tone (apparently not included in the monthly rate, dial tones are extra)
$6.50 — Federal line cost charge
$.67 — Federal USF Surcharge
$2.59 — Dial Tone – Residence
$3.24 — Unlimited calling to local area (twice)
$.90 – Non-published number (apparently different than the “service” above)
$2.60 — Federal line cost charge – Primary (again, twice)
$.27 — Consumer Primary / Centrex
$9.56 — Dial Tone Line – Residence – Touch Tone (thrice)
$.07 — PA Relay Service Surcharge
$1.25 — PA Emergency Telephone Act
-$.75 — Surcharge
$1.00 — Federal Tax
$1.00 — Extra dollar a day
$1.00 — Extra dollar a day extra
$.25 — To connect, fool
~~~~~
$50.62 — Total for our charges

Ok, the last three entries are fictional. But wow. Not only does the bill not add up, but I’m paying over $50 per month ($600 annually) for a phone that gets used for approximately 30 minutes per month. That’s $1.67 per minute — sweet. Thanks, Verizon. Worse, my $45 installation charge is nowhere to be found — awesome. And some of these charges look a little dubious: I don’t have Centrex, I’m charged three times for having a dial tone (which, frankly, should be included in the base cost), twice for having an unpublished number, and I’m paying almost $14 in additional fees and surcharges. The icing on the cake is that my itemization does not equal my total.

On Monday I’m going to call and complain. Why Monday? Because it’s my only day off, and previous experience with Verizon indicates that it’s not possible to get anything accomplished in under 90 minutes with those clowns.