Since there’s not much going on downtown right this second, I want to talk about my car for a second. Those of you who were privy enough to participate in the /chilled era may remember a flurry of posts around February 2004 when I bought my then-brand-spankin-new 2003 Honda Element EX. It took some persuading to get me to give up my then-also-new Mercury Cougar S (jet black, V6, sunroof, five-speed, leather wrap, fully loaded), and I admit that there have been times over the past three years when I really missed the style.

A few days ago, my car turned 94,000 miles. For your average car, that’s getting pretty old. For a Honda, that’s entering middle age. Either way, there’s usually a boatload of maintenance due at the 100,000-mile mark. Nothing expensive, in my case, thanks largely in part to Honda’s use of a timing chain in lieu of a timing belt; we’re talking a tranny fluid flush, differential fluid flush, replacing the accessory belt, and a few other odds and ends. $300 at Faulkner, tops. But being that I’ve had my car for over three years now — a record for me — I decided to look into some alternatives. The Suzuki SX4 Sport (cheap + 4WD), the Pontiac G6 Coupe (hot), and the Civic Hybrid (hello 60 mpg) all caught my attention.

The first sign that my plan may not have been the brightest is the massive skyrocketing of value that’s happened to Elements. When they launched in 2003, you could get a fully-loaded model (mine) for around $18,000 — and that’s what I paid at Faulkner. Today, my car is worth over $14,500 at a dealership, including deductions for my sky-high mileage. $3500 depreciation (20%) over 5 model years and 94000 miles? Not bad. Not bad at all.

The second cause for hesitation was remembering how unstoppable my car was in this year’s February 14th storm. I was driving up and down 15, 325, and I-81 with no trouble whatsoever. It’s not just four-wheel drive; it’s a snowmobile. Had I been in any of my old front-wheel-drives, the ground clearance alone would’ve been enough to get me stuck. And given the fact that I can’t call off due to weather, ever, being able to push through anything nature can throw at me is very, very necessary.

But the dealbreaker came when someone pointed out the 2003 Element’s frontal crash test video on YouTube. Not only is the Honda Element so well-built that the windshield remains fully in-tact, but the friggin’ passenger compartment remains completely uncompressed. Moreover, the 2003 Element received top marks across the board in every safety ratings scale on the planet (coincidentally, the knock-off Scion xB received only 3- and 4-star ratings, compared to the Element’s 5-star everything). There’s a reason the car weighs almost two tons — it’s a tank.

Some kind of snowmobile / tank / UPS-van cross-breed.

And if all of that weren’t enough, the 2008 Element SC commercials are pretty damn funny.

So, in conclusion: No you can’t have my Element. Not yours.

EDIT: In some cruel twist of fate, almost as if sensing my pending post on the subject, my passenger side power window has ceased functioning. Unfortunately, power windows in Elements are notoriously expensive to replace (in the neighborhood of $600). That’s going to hurt the ol’ Vegas budget. Still, I guess there’s something to be said when this is my only problem at 94,000 miles.

EDIT EDIT: Ahem. Two words: “window lock”